A fluff-tastic post for your consideration!
Lets go straight to the action!
Somewhere in Middle Earth, a Giant Spider is having a heated conversation with a mysterious figure on a horse...
Shelob: ...like I said, I did not open the Chamber of Secrets.
Mouth of Sauron: But the clue we got was "Follow the spider!"
Shelob: Look, Im not the only Acromantula running about, am I?
Mouth of Sauron: Acro.. what?
Shelob: Spiders of unusual size!
Mouth of Sauron: Well, I do know of "Rodents of unusual size"... They are one of the 3 terrors of the Fire Swamp. The first being the...
Shelob: We are talking about spiders... there's my cousin Aragog over in the Dark Forest. You know the one living near that Wizarding School.
Mouth of Sauron: Shelob, its nothing personal, its cutbacks being what they are.
Shelob: Why am I being fired and not Gollum? Is this reverse discrimination? Are there disability quotas Mordor has to fill?
Mouth of Sauron: I dont know what you mean.
Shelob: Are you keeping Gollum on, just because he is disabled?
Mouth of Sauron: He isnt disabled.
Shelob: He is a midget.
Mouth of Sauron: Yeah, but he isnt disabled because he's a midget. Thats not a disability, thats just small. Grima Wormtongue doesnt get special treatment now, does he?
Shelob: Wormtongue is five foot. Gollum is 3 foot 4.
Mouth of Sauron: So are some children. Children dont get special favors. Children arent disabled are they?
Shelob: Children dont work in Cirith Ungol.
Mouth of Sauron: Look whether or not Gollum is a midget or dwarf...
Shelob: No, he is a midget!
Mouth of Sauron: ... whats the difference?
Shelob: Well... a dwarf is someone who has disproportionately short arms and legs, caused by a hormone deficiency. And a midget is still a dwarf, but their arms and legs are in proportion.
Mouth of Sauron: So whats an elf...?
OK, this is pretty much a scene from The Office.
Or as we call it here in the colonies - The Office UK.
So... who knew that Hobbits were just midgets?
And I totally forgot how Rowling totally stole everything from Tolkien.
Google "similarities between Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings"
Both have Dark Lords.
Gollum is Dobby?!?@?!
Ron is Sam?!
Onwards to Scene 2...
Elsewhere in Middle Earth, a ranger and a wizard walk into a bar...
Radagast: ...and thats the reason Sigmar has elemental weather powers.
Aragorn: Ok. So your saying that Mr Wednesday... Odin, the All-Father of Valhalla, father of both Thor and Loki had another son, older than those two?
Aragorn: And that this first born son is Sigmar... and this Sigmar had a son with a dwarf shieldmaiden named Thora Birch?
Radagast: Actually... wrong wood.
Radagast: Not birch, oak. Oakenshield, really.
Aragorn: So.... are you saying that Thorin Oakenshield is the legitimate heir of Valhalla, the Empire, and the Dwarven Kingdom of Moria!
Aragorn: Thats heresy! Dont let the Grand Theogonist and his inquisitors hear this. And anyway, Thorin is dead, buried deep under the Lonely Mountain with the Arkenstone on his chest.
Radagast: The Arkenstone is a stasis device made by the Adeptus Mechanicus and sent here by order of somebody called Roboute Guilleman.
Aragorn: Robooty Girlyman? Thats a strange name. Are you sure this isnt the wrong game system? This all sounds like it belongs in the latest fluff of the 40k version of Warhammer. So Thorin isnt dead... just mostly dead?
Radagast: Oh, Im sure! In fact, the Dwarves of Erebor have just recently found out, when they put him in a diamond sarcophagus. They say he is visibly breathing and that his wounds are healing at a very slow rate. Someday, it is prophesied that he will be fully healed and return to lead the stunties in a grand crusade to reclaim not only Moria...but all of Middle Earth.
Aragorn: Well, there goes the Age of Man and the 4th Age of Middle Earth...
Radagast: Yeah, it wont be the Age of Man, or the Age of Sigmar... its the Age of Moria!
Even Aragorn and Radagast know the world belongs to the sons of Durin the Deathless!
Also, Age of Moria sounds like a better descriptor for this blog, rather than the wordier Moria Reclamation Project.
So... this post is ripping how many IPs? Harry Potter, Princess Bride, The Office UK, American Gods, 40k, Warhammer Fantasy, and LOTR of course.
All kidding aside, Im not kidding here.
Thorin Oakenshield really is on the mend...
The Age of Moria is indeed coming!